Share the Road

Amongst bumper stickers concerning political candidates, sports teams, or schools, a fairly common bumper stickers advises drivers to “Share the Road” with bikers.  I have no problem with bike riding – it is a great activity.  My main issue is the behavior of bikes.

Bikers want to be respected by cars and be considered equal to cars on the road, but they don’t want to follow the same rules.  The best example of this delusion happened once on a semi-busy road.  The man, about 28-ish, decided to bike in the center of the lane despite the presence of the bike lane on his right.  Thinking his thighs of steel could out perform a combustion engine, he cruised down the road 10 mph below the limit.  With only a short distance remaining before the stop light, I was unable to pass him.  Stopping at the red light, the biker put one foot on the ground and looked both ways down the street.  Noticing no cars coming, he biked right on through the intersection, despite the light still being red.  I treated the biker as if he was another car on the road, but then he took advantage of his situation by breaking the laws he wants others to follow.

Share the road?  I think it’s the bikers who need to learn how to share.

Receiving a Message in a Bottle

Today I was thinking about a piece of advice a friend gave me a week ago.  It wasn’t all that profound, and he said it casually.  I thought about what it meant, why I reacted to it in a certain way, and how I could use it to improve myself in the future.

As I thought it over in my mind, it occurred to me how he had no idea that I was giving his comment so much attention.  Although he said the statement, he probably never thought it would have such an impact on me, even if only for a short while.  I saw him again today, and I made no notion of the positive effect his advice had on me.

Most of the time we don’t realize the impact of a small interaction, such as a compliment or a polite gesture.  The beneficial effects don’t immediately return to us, giving us no confirmation of their success.  Like a message in a bottle sent out to sea, the destination and impact of the message is unknown.  But if you have a piece of paper, a pen, and a bottle, you should consider making one.

Touchdown?

Yesterday during Monday Night Football, the Packers played the Seahawks.  In the final play of the game, the Seahawks threw a touchdown pass that was caught by a player on both teams at the same time.  The ruling of the play was in favor of the Seahawks, and they won the game.

Looking at a replay however, it is very obvious to see that the Packers’ player had possession of the ball in the end zone.  Take a look at this picture:

Although I find this to be especially frustrating, it brings up the philosophical concept of truth.  If a referee calls that the Seahawks won the game, while actually the Packers should have won, did the Seahawks actually complete the pass?  In a similar situation, if an umpire called a pitch as a strike when it actually was outside of the strike zone, was the pitch truly a strike?  Well, obviously not.

In many other facets of life people halt the search for truth in order to simplify an issue or feel good about themselves.  The best example is of an elementary school teacher, who, tired from complaining about her job, tries to quickly resolve an argument between two kids on a playground.  Instead of investigating to see if Jimmy really did hit Billy first, she makes them both apologize to each other, in hopes of easing the situation for herself.

It’s probably impossible to find the exact truth in some situations, but one thing I know for sure is that the Packers should have won that game.

Anti-Jokes

What’s red and smells like blue paint?  Red paint.

How do you make a plumber sad?  Kill his wife and family.

Anti-jokes are some of the best jokes ever, because the endings are completely unexpected.  When the setup of a joke is presented, we try to think of a clever response.  Anti-jokes flip the joke on its head by concluding with a logical response.

For more good anti-jokes, check out Anti-Joke Cat.

The Egg-Cook-O-Matic 3000

We all know the feeling when we want a breakfast sandwich, but don’t make one because it requires too much work.  We can imagine getting out a pan, heating the stove, getting the eggs, waiting for them to cook, and cleaning up afterwards.  Almost every single time we fall into the irresistible temptation of eating something else.

But no longer!  I have found the solution to all your fried egg cooking woes.  I call it the Egg-Cook-O-Matic 3000, and it converts raw eggs into fried ones.  It uses the same magical properties of toasters, which consume bread and produce toast.  All you have to do is place an egg into the slot, and the machine does the rest!

The Egg-Cook-O-Matic 3000

It Started as a Normal Trip to the Eye Doctor

It started as a normal trip to the eye doctor.  I signed in, sat down, avoided awkward eye contact with others in the waiting room, and proceeded into the back when my name was called.  I sat down in the chair and answered some questions.  Then, when looking for any issues, the nurse accidentally dropped some radioactively unstable chemical into my eyes!  She claimed it was merely so that they could inspect my eyes for any further problems, but I knew better.  No mention of the mysterious accident arose until the end of the appointment, where the nurse slid me a pair of cheap self-assembly origami sunglasses.  “To protect me from the sun” was what she claimed, but we both knew the real purpose: to make sure no one could see any evidence from the accident.

I returned home, and to my disbelief, the freak accident had not only made people stare at my silly sunglasses on the way out of the clinic, but had also given me superpowers.  I could see very clearly in the dark, clearer than I ever could before.  Turning off all the lights in a room, I could function as if they were lit.  Excited about my newfound abilities, I began devising a plan to take advantage of my situation.  Grabbing a pen and a stack of post-it notes, I wrote down ideas for money-making schemes, the title of my autobiography, and a list of late-night shows where I would have interviews.

This was short-lived, however, as my amazing sight slowly disappeared.  The feeling was like reaching into your pants pocket to find money you left there, only to pull out a single one dollar bill.

A Brief Flash Through Time

Time lapse photography is one of the most amazing visual spectates possible.  In the same way a microscope lets us see very small objects and telescopes let us see objects very far away, time lapse photography lets us see objects quicker.  Some changes over time are so gradual they are unnoticeable, and when sped up through cinematic magic, they become almost surreal.  Whether it’s the aurora borealis, the growth of a plant, the drawing of an object, the construction of a building, or the falling of snow, time lapse photography compresses extended periods of time into a very short segment.

One man decided to take this principle and apply it to his own life, taking a picture of himself everyday for 12.5 years.  4541 days in a row, he took a picture of his face in generally the same position.  The effect is stunning.

The random position of his hair from day to day makes it look as if it is particularly windy, and the different colors of his shirts resemble flipping through a carpet selection catalog.  His eyes stay nearly identical throughout the whole time period, giving reassurance that he actually is the same person.  The video is very eerie, as if his life is flashing before our eyes.  It is slightly depressing and also slightly inspiring, leaving you in a weird spot after watching it.

Standing Ovations

Standing ovations can be a great way to show your appreciation of a speech or performance, especially since you can only rapidly smack your hands together so hard without hurting yourself.  However, the nature of standing ovations can result in very difficult and awkward situations.

Once I was listening to a speech in a fairly large auditorium.  The entire speech was emotionally involved, and I could tell many people were getting into it.  I felt that the speech overall was particularly boring, and that the content was more of a pity story than an inspiring tale.  At the end, the crowd erupted in applause, and everyone around me stood up.  Since I didn’t particularly agree with the topic or feel that the speech was particularly well-delivered, I stayed seated.  The applause seemed to last an inordinate amount of time, and all the while I was considering whether I should’ve just stood up.

I think standing ovations are caused more by peer-pressure and social tendencies than genuine appreciation of the speech or performance.  Once a few people stand up, the weak-minded people who feel awkward not standing join in.  Each time more people stand, it passes the point where someone else feels awkward not standing, causing a spontaneous reaction until everyone is standing.  In the same way in which a piece of paper burns upon contact with a lit match, the wave of people rising out of their seats is almost inevitable after the first few people begin the action.  Resisting participating in a standing ovation can be very difficult, especially since you cannot see anyone else who shares your point of view.

I guess the moral of the story is to stand up for what you believe in.

Balls of Twine and DNA

In large automobile manufacturing plants, cars can travel many miles on an assembly line.  It only takes a brief moment to realize that the factory is not a mile long, but that the assembly line weaves back and forth many times.

The world’s largest ball of twine, currently residing in Cawker City, Kansas, weighs over nine tons and (as of 2003) consists of approximately 1325 miles of twine.  Stretched out, the twine would reach about halfway from New York to Los Angeles.

This doesn’t shock us that much, as the ball of twine is about the size of Usain Bolt’s ego.  (His official Twitter description is “The most naturally gifted athlete the world has ever seen.”  His website features overbearingly large pictures of himself with the words: “World’s Fastest Man”)

As long as we are on a tangent, here is a picture of the local weather station in Cawker City:

It’s a Tornado

What really gets crazy is when we think about the total length of the DNA in our own bodies.  DNA from a single cell is about 6 feet long.  Such a large amount of purposeful material in such a small space is mind-blowing.  If we could build computers that could store information that efficiently, just think of all the silly pictures of cats we could store on our computers.

The iPhone 5

Each revision the iPhone receives is portrayed as “Revolutionary.”  Whether it’s a faster chip, thinner design, higher resolution display, or new software features, the new model always changes slightly, but remains overall the same.  Many of the features are not new to the smartphone market, but rather adaptations from another company’s design.  The iPhone 5, for example, has a taller screen.  There are many smartphones with very large screens, so this addition is more of a correction to changing markets than an unprecedented innovation.

The new dock connector makes me laugh because it seems like an obvious scam.  Oh, so you want the newest iPhone?  Well you’re going to have to buy all new accessories.  I do admit that the connector looks to be improved and that a change would eventually have to occur, but it seems like an artificially created boost to the already over-saturated iPhone accessory market.

The new earbuds look promising, especially with the noise cancellation, although I’m curious to see if they actually work.  When I first heard that they were called “EarPods,” I thought it was a joke.  It sounds like the name of a fake Apple product in a political cartoon bashing today’s youth.

While most people look at the shiny pictures of the glass finish (and the revolutionary use of a new alloy called Aluminum (ˌalyəˈminēəm)), I find the hands holding them to be more interesting.  Who at Apple is the hand model?  How do they have such flawless hands and fingers?  Do they show pictures of their hand in Apple ads to their friends and family during social events as a conversation starter?

Their catchy phrase for this update is: “It’s so much more.  And so much less too.”  It makes sense when you think about it, but it creates a slight feeling of disappointment, like when you open up the largest present under the Christmas tree only to find a gift card inside.

A mysterious floating hand (and an iPhone too)